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dysfunction
November 2009 
How to Create Deeper Love
Posted on Jan 9th, 2008
by 
David Truman
David Truman
We all “know” that love can heal humanity and save the world. And many of us aspire to unconditional love, universal love. But honestly, how many people deserve to be called truly skilled in the art of loving? Precious few. Not surprising — generally, we invest far more effort into learning to drive a car than in learning to love.
The results are obvious. The usual “love relationship” is more like a head-on collision between two people who are dysfunctional in love. And afterwards, like survivors of traffic accidents, they slowly, tentatively, nurse their way back to health. If they stick with it, maybe they’ll recover. After a long time.
It doesn’t have to be that way. A person can regain health tremendously faster than most people do. It takes so long normally, because after most people jump out of relationships, they just atrophy. Like a guy who was in an accident, then he stayed in bed for five years. He just didn’t feel ready to get up yet. That way, people grow weaker, more dysfunctional. They become crusty, alienated, and out of it.
There’s a better, healthier way: approach recovery the way a serious athlete who is injured approaches it. Athletes often suffer injuries. But then, by using a maximally healthy exercise regimen, they get better just as fast as the body can get better. And it’s amazing how soon they’re back in the game.
Recovery goal: better than normal
Not only can we recover a whole lot faster than we ever thought — we can heal much better than we ever thought. We can become a truly functional person. All we need is the right exercise program, and a real will to exercise, and get really strong. That way, we can do more than just recover: we can achieve a condition far better than “normal health.” Now that’s a good goal. And, practically essential, if you think about it.
My physician once told me, “If I was in normal health, I’d commit suicide.” That means, normal health is only a state of dysfunction. If good health is what you want, “normal” isn’t your goal.
Similarly, if you want to be in good shape for relationship, make it your goal that you’re going to get much better than normal. You can. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. If you have the will, here are eight suggestions for a well-rounded program of healthy relationship exercise:
1. Do things with others.
2. Stay clear about what's the real problem: ego, not love.
3. Improve your motive: If your motivation in the scene is selfish, it's gonna be a bad scene.
4. Be flexible and willing: the only way to “be ready.”
5. Commit and invest.
6. Keep the pond clean—we're all in it together.
7. Maximize positive creation.
8. Be the change you want to see.
1. Do things with others.
Throughout history, wise observers have found that practice helps. People get more comfortable with things and adapt better as familiarity grows. By the same token, we get less comfortable with something when we are less involved with it. Use it or lose it! So: Get involved. Be with others. It doesn’t matter so much what you do. It matters more that you create abundant social activity.
2. Stay clear about what's the real problem: ego, not love.
Many are convinced that love hurts — and will gladly show you their battle scars to prove it. But what caused those scars? Was it a gentle caress, perhaps, or a tender look; or was it the fights, the betrayals, the abuse? Look: those are scars of unlove, not of love. Love is not the problem. Never was, never will be.
In order to stop fearing love, review the fear-creating “content” in your brain. If, for example, you’ve been hurt in relationships, figure out what really caused the hurt. Love didn’t cause it. Living together didn’t cause it. Consider the matter, and you will realize that in almost every instance of emotional problems between people, ego caused it—or rather, egotism. Selfishness caused it. Self-protectiveness. Reactivity.
The reason love has become so confused in our minds is this: so much distancing and unlove has been created in relationships that we considered to be love relationships. Not that there is any relationship that is totally lacking in love. There may have been some love, but when selfishness becomes too predominant in the relationship, then selfishness, not love, determines how the relationship feels, and where it leads.
Then, as they say: once bitten, twice shy.
Hey, we’re right to want to protect ourselves from repeating the same mistakes and deepening the same wounds. But we’d better be clear about this: what, exactly what, should we avoid? We need to avoid being unloving in relationships. We need to avoid being excessively self-oriented in our thoughts, words, and deeds. We need to avoid knee-jerk doubt, distrust, irrational fear, withdrawal, insincerity, and all the other ways ego convinces us to pull our punches in relationships.
We can resolve social fear by understanding what causes what, and consciously making a clear distinction between things that are clearly different. Unlove is not love. Love and ego are opposites: ego ruins love.
So I repeat: If love is what we want, we need to renounce egotism, not love.
3. Improve your motive: If your motivation in the scene is selfish, it's gonna be a bad scene.
Deeper intimacy has deeper satisfactions, but also deeper requirements. One of the most important requirements is this: a sincerely giving orientation. Think about it for a moment, and you’ll see why. The deeper the relationship gets, the more people want to know things like what’s up between us, what are your intentions, etc. If they’re not in it for each other, the intimacy needs to be protected from the truth. And it’s not only about what the person says; it’s really about where a person’s deeply coming from: whether they mean the right thing; whether they’re about the right thing in their heart. If one or both persons’ orientation isn’t giving enough to support a close intimacy, maybe they can still enjoy certain activities together, like shopping, perhaps even sex. But nothing truly deep.
Of course nobody’s perfect. And, everybody has a mixture of motivations, partly unselfish, partly selfish. But it matters how unselfish, versus how selfish. The balance determines what can happen, how much can happen, how good things can be.
So if you want deep relationship, make giving your reason for being. Make it your reason for waking up in the morning. Make it the thing that you concentrate on during the day. And when other thoughts come in, other motivations that are more selfish in nature, shine them on. Don’t put any energy into the downers, the no-way ways. Just put your energy into giving.
Do that, and you’re changing your viability in love. You’re upgrading your presence on the planet! You’re not being a problem, even to yourself, by being too self-oriented. Instead, you are really giving; you’re really participating. And you’re bringing joy to other people by the fact that you’re really trying to do them good. Excellent!
That’s how to move in an intelligent and workable way towards deeper relationships.
4. Be flexible and willing: the only way to “be ready”
When people start doing something and find a lot of resistance in themselves, they think it means that they’re not ready. The thing about resistance is this: Training yourself is like training an animal. Patterns are like the dumb and automatic resistance that any animal will have when you try to make it obey. This is where resolve makes a tremendous difference. The animal needs to be made to sit down, that’s all. It’s a matter of will. An animal will essentially only really be made to obey if the trainer is absolutely certain he’s going to dominate and prevail.
The real problem, then, is not that we have resistance, but that we have little or no real intention to overcome it. Instead, we expect to be beaten by our own resistance, and then give up. That’s how people start feeling stuck. Almost invariably, when people say, “I can’t change,” the fact is they haven’t really applied themselves to change. Most likely, they’ve only spent ten percent of their actual power to change to the problem of trying to change — if that.
It’s the same with being ready for relationships, in the sense of being “presentable.” People don’t want to go into relationships and cause other people problems. But you see, the problems we cause others would soon be tremendously less, as long as we are seriously committed to overcoming those problems. So the real problem is not having problems; the real problem is not being thoroughly committed to overcoming them.
To say, “I’m not presentable” is like saying, “My room isn’t presentable.” Why not clean it up? What do you mean when you say your room is not presentable? Do you mean it’s permanently unpresentable? Actually, that’s what I believe people do mean when they feel unpresentable — that for all practical purposes, they’re permanently unpresentable. They’re not really thinking of themselves as clay — they’re thinking of themselves as rock. Clay is easy to change: “My bedroom isn’t presentable, but if you wait five minutes, I’ll clean it up.” Such a different attitude! So, logically, we can worry less about being presentable, and more about being flexible.
Presentability is flexibility, adaptability. Readiness is willingness. No one who’s unwilling is ready. And, no one who’s willing is unready. True willingness is not merely a whim of the moment, a passing fancy. True willingness is real commitment.
It’s no use to just sit there and worry about being stuck. I want people to do the highest experiment of living: Sincerely try to do things that are fresh and new, that are breakthrough. Live. Just try, and see what happens. That’s how you earn your freedom.
5. Commit and invest
In this world of disposable relationships, when one person doesn’t suit another’s fancy, or something difficult happens, people may just bail out: “I don’t need this!” Ah, how convenient — to run away from the problems (—except, of course, the many problems caused and perpetuated by running away). It’s so common to do this, we take it for granted. But it makes rocky ground for the growth of love.
As you know, fear of rejection and abandonment tops the list of social fears. Without loyalty, commitment, and strong investment, how can we credibly claim to love someone? In a world of disposable intimacies, how can trust grow? How can we hope that our beloved will feel secure with us, open up to us, and stay with us?
We will be committed and loyal, but it takes time, we say. . .
It doesn’t work to wait until the relationship is deep and stable before you commit; it won’t become deep and stable without commitment. People who hold each other too lightly, and with too little real commitment, can’t expect that their relationship could ever grow strong. What creates functionality in love is the willingness to commit to loving someone, and then living that commitment. Only in a committed context can our love relationships thrive, grow, blossom, and bear fruit.
It takes years of sincere, hands-on practice . . .
to grow a strong relationship.
to build unshakeable trust.
to refine love skills.
to build unshakeable trust.
to refine love skills.
6. Keep the pond clean—we’re all in it together
If people dump a lot of toxins in a pond, guess what? The pond will be polluted. And if the pond gets too toxic, it will not support the life within it. Well, the same goes with relationships.
Actually, the circle of relationship is even more sensitive than physical ecosystems. Everything that happens in any sphere of human relations is bound to affect everyone in it. And of course, that goes double in intimacy.
Surely, a little joy or pain in a relationship between two people is unavoidably the experience of both. And we human beings are so sensitive! We may remember a casual remark made in irritation (or in pleasure, for that matter) months or even years ago. Harsh words or feelings, in general, cast a lingering doubt over the security of a relationship for days, or weeks. Or more. Thus, while we may feel justified in reactive outbursts from time to time, we are wise to observe that a hurtful action or response may pollute our personal world for some time to come.
We may not always realize the power of our impact on those around us. In the extreme case, a self-centered person in a foul mood might be quite surprised to learn they are affecting others at all! But connection is, whether we acknowledge it or not. No fantasy of disconnection or separation prevents everyone from harvesting the results of careless deeds, hurtful words, negative thoughts.
To rely on separation to shield others from the interpersonal effects of our own negativity is similar to the cartoon idea of the huge elephant hiding behind the tiny sapling. Perhaps, in his mind, he thinks he’s hidden. But in reality, he’s sticking out all over the place! Similarly, the ostrich is not protected by putting her head in the ground: she is still as vulnerable as ever, despite her illusions to the contrary. The illusion of separation is just that—an illusion. Separation fails to protect because it does not exist.
Once we understand the unchangeable reality of connectedness, and its implications, it behooves us to act within our relationships as we would in any tiny and delicately balanced ecosystem upon which we depend, and which is our home. Toxic reactions and attitudes — such as skepticism, doubt, reactivity, distrust, anger, etc. — pollute the habitat of relationship. We need to keep the habitat relatively free of pollution, clean enough to sustain life and growth, so the human heart can be comfortable there, can survive and thrive there.
7. Maximize positive creation
We fear that some of our mistakes may hurt others, and we don’t want to do that. Very considerate! But what about the fact that people could benefit from the good things we have to offer? We’re killing humanity with kindness if our only way of “protecting them from our mistakes” is to do nothing at all.
In response to past mistakes, it’s easy to add a new mistake on top of the old ones. The new mistake is to get tied up in “nots” (not this, not that). For example, if she feels insecure, a woman may err on the side of caution, and approach her lover with a resolve like this: “I will not make this or that mistake.” And perhaps her lover has made a similar resolve himself. But here’s the question: Now that we know what won't happen, what will happen? Anything?
Surely, love is not just the absence of problems we’ve avoided. When it comes to love, what counts is what happens. Love needs positive interactions people can enjoy. The heart and soul of any relationship is fed by the positive incidents and feelings contributed by the participants.
And I’m not just talking about simply doing things. Relationships easily fall into ruts of ritualized activities, habitual patterns. People who fear closeness always offer something else. But if you pay attention, you always find that no one can keep a relationship alive with just a little worm on a hook: a walk, a material gift, etc. Unless we share ourselves with the others, most people will quickly lose interest, and leave. No one values any “thing” or “experience” as much as they value a real human being.
Fortunately, you always have something of infinite value to offer: your Self. To bring anyone close enough to win their heart, give of your self — truly! The mind thinks it’s a risk, but to the heart, it is the only safe thing to do. We must extend ourselves in love.
8. Be the change you want to see.
A relationship is a dance for two, in which each person’s contribution is essential. What does that mean? Let’s do our part!
Why approach a situation demanding that the world or the environment must do something to prove to us that it is sincere, that it’s willing to fill us, sacrifice for us, prove its goodness and worthiness to us. When we do that, what generally follows is a tragic standoff between our unwilling heart, indisposed to give itself, and the unwilling hearts of the world. Like two children trying to trade toys, but not trusting each other. One child wants the other to give him her rabbit’s foot, the other child is unwilling to relinquish it unless she first receives the cat’s-eye marble. We cannot get what we want, because we will not give what we have. This happens all too frequently in life.
Love is not barter, trade. Love does not operate by the laws of the world. In love it is essential to give what you have in order to be fulfilled. So it is unreasonable to expect great love where great love had not been given. Just as it would be deluded to demand a huge profit from an investment not made, one cannot get what one has not been willing to give. If nothing great has been given, nothing great should be expected. We must become willing to give of ourselves the very thing we desire, in the quantity or with the intensity we would like to receive it.
What about the other person’s part? Well, as you know, the only person we can control is ourselves. The only person we can change is ourselves. But that counts more than we may think! According the birds of a feather theory, we attract to ourselves what we are. That’s a true theory. If we are truly loving, we attract to ourselves others who truly love. And, by the principle of resonance, we bring more of what is truly loving out of all we meet.
And therefore, to see the change, we have to be the change we want to see.
Access: Public
It's surprising to me how little attention this blog has gotten. Of all you've written, Amadon, this one is closest to the heart of the matter.
How can we, as individuals, change the world? How can we heal humanity? How can we save our planet? I think the one thing we can do that will make the most difference, globally, cosmically, is exactly the same thing that makes the most difference to us, personally. What most affects each of us personally is the quality of our human connections. Our relationships cheer us, inspire us, motivate us, support us, teach us, heal us. Every interaction affects us SO much. So, if we will deepen our relationships, so that their affect on us and others is even more intensely positive, that's a really high impact item. Its affect can't fail to radiate out into everything we do, say, feel, think.
The investment in deepening a relationship is the most worthwhile investment we can make, because a truly deep relationship is an eternal treasure. Even one truly deep relationship would make a huge difference in anyone's personal world. A number of deep relationships would a huge difference to our world – the more the better. Each of us may add only a drop in the bucket, but at least we’re adding something that will truly fill us.
This blog is a great “breadcrumb trail” to follow. I hope people will!
Love,
Sara
Regardless of how 'little attention this blog has gotten', it is the right thing to write about, and the right way to write about it. This is why:
The people who come to this blog may not be able to revel in fantasy but they will find advice, sound and sweet, about how to begin doing rather than dreaming and talking. What was written above is far more 'how-to' than much of what I've ever read from Amadon and I absolutely, without any hesitation at all, can affirm that the 'how-to' of love is infinitely more important than the 'what is' of love.
If you help one person with writing like this, you'll have done more good than if ten thousand were to nod their heads and applaud.
Of anyone in this community, I have always been a rival of new age lexicon and diatribe. This is a significant moment for me, because here I see instruction I can admire. Here I can see a way forward into action in the world. Here I can take some advice, stand up from my computer and bring it into the world.
I'd like to see more of the 'how-to' because Amadon is undoubtably skilled and as he ponders and translates the 'how-to' he will find opportunity to bring it more and more into his own life as well. As for me, well let's trust that I know what I'm doing… but I still found many of the things said timely and pertinent to my own situation.
What I would like to see expanded upon is how to recognize abuse in a relationship. I don't think undying loyalty, unquestioning commitment is noble at all where trust and love have been abused. The hardest thing in such relationships is to know when to walk away, and how to do it. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychic abuse… these things do take their toll.
Amadon, what advice for instance, do you have for women who are trapped in such a relationship? What advice for men who are angry and hateful of themselves for the monsters they have become? A 'how-to' for these people would move your efforts into healing deeper pain and confronting profound fear that is, regardless of our ideals and wishes, so frightfully true for many 'relationships' in our world.
Also, let's expand on the 'cleaning up the pond' part. What can we do? What are the small things, the big things, the details, what is the technique and formless art of healing love? Certainly, we both agree that it is not a passive process but one filled with compassion, courage and a commitment that goes even beyond the ordinary 'I'm yours and you're mine'.
Excellence, Amadon. You move continually toward excellence. Do not stop.
I agree completely. I am new here, and already, I've found this incredible post.
I can especially relate to #2. The reason for some actions I am not proud of was egotism. I had been thinking about it for a while, and this thought had been in the back of my head, but this post clearly brought it out.
I also liked the analogy to a recovering athlete. I understood you the moment I read it, as I know what an athlete with an injury has to go through. I've never heard of the analogy, and I'm wondering why nobody else has said it.
This post speaks about more than that special love. It can be used for anone's social life in general, which is why I also hope more people read this post
Yes. The athlete thing worked.
Sara and Rodolfo,
I totally agree with you – the more people who read this post, the better. And you know, this is something we can do something about. Let's tell our friends about it! We change the world by getting behind what we believe in.
Love,
Francine
Definitely worthwhile having decided to answer my very typically difficult questions. I'll be back for more, I promise you. It's good to get into the spots where the deepest pain might be, because that's where we're going to help people the most.
THIS COMMENT WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED BEFORE JAMES' LAST COMMENT, IN REPLY. I AM REPOSTING IT, AFTER HIS, DUE TO AN ERROR I JUST DISCOVERED IN THE LINK TO THE SONG.
Dear James,
These are good questions. Here’s one:
I don't think undying loyalty, unquestioning commitment is noble at all where trust and love have been abused.
I wish that one were easy to answer. But not surprisingly, being a good question, it REALLY isn’t easy. I agree to an extent when you say, “I don't think undying loyalty, unquestioning commitment is noble at all where trust and love have been abused.” There is an obvious sense to that. I would support that with these two acknowledgements:
1. There are many kinds and degrees of abuse. It is true to say that physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychic abuse… these things do take their toll. It is important NOT to bite off much more than one can handle constructively. Which many people do. One should respect one’s own limits in that regard, to some extent. (AS long, at least, as one is earnestly and intelligently TRYING to be forgiving, constructive, etc.)
I often like to point out, enduring love should be more about love than enduring. If enduring predominates, the partners need to love a whole lot more – and better. That’s easy to say, obviously, but it may very well take a major commitment to LEARN. But, what better thing could there be to learn?
2. Further, it is very problematical to allow a person to accumulate endless bad karma in being abusive, taking advantage, etc. In this respect, while walking away can be extremely difficult, it can be the MOST loving, compassionate thing in the world to leave a bad relationship. That can very well be the best for all concerned when negative patterns get too stuck in place.
But at the same time, bear with me as I offer a couple of wrinkles:
1. The truth is, much that legitimately requires forgiveness and forbearance is, in some real sense, abusive, or hurtful (– even though it is not always dramatically so). In fact, as long as there is ego, there are going to be some hurts, some abuses, etc. I say this not to toot my horn, but simple to state a fact: What it has taken for me to learn what I have learned about love, and to help a few people through their stuff, is a whole lot more serious shit than most people would ever think of tolerating. I’m not saying everyone should do that, or even could. But I would say that if you want to really love, you have to dig deep into your resources of forgiveness and forbearance. You really do. And if you are unwilling to do that, there is reason to ask if what you are doing is particularly loving.
2. If you are genuinely forgiving, you’re NOT being a martyr. You may be taking some hits, but you are not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself – you are actively caring. And you are simply being the kind of person who is genuinely strong and forgiving – and THAT, particularly in this day and age, but always – is a very important thing to be.
You see, people really NEED forgiveness. We all do, because we make mistakes, and at times, we really do hurt one another. We all NEED second, third, and twentieth chances. The only important criterion is, we should be sincerely willing to TRY to do better, to correct ourselves, to improve. There’s no use giving a zillion chances to a person who is determined to be abusive, and NOT to improve.
But again, I would say, in this day and age, more people err on the side of insufficient tolerance than excessive tolerance. Many people really have flipped from the glutton-for-punishment mode to the opposite extreme of way too intolerant. And further, so many people attract to themselves, and actively contribute to, extremely negative conditions from which they later must run. Thus, many a “martyr” creates (or contributes to) their own victimization, misfortune, etc.
You also asked:
Amadon, what advice for instance, do you have for women who are trapped in such a relationship?
First, do take care of yourself. Don’t sit around and subject yourself to violence or verbal abuse. Get out of the situation, at LEAST until things cool down.
And second, be honest with yourself. Realize that you ARE half of any intimacy you are in. Every relationship is a circle, a dance of two.
You also asked:
Physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychic abuse… these things do take their toll. What I would like to see expanded upon is how to recognize abuse in a relationship.
Much of the abuse in relationships that leads to violence is emotional. That’s the headwaters of the whole mess. And, emotional abuse is the equal property of BOTH genders, certainly not just men. Many women hurt men badly, and provoke terribly – bringing out the worst in men. And they don’t always do that unconsciously, either. One simple secret of recognizing abuse is this: IF it hurts, it may well be abusive. Not always, but often, it is so. (Other times, of course, we are hyper-reactive. In that case, we may actually be hurting ourselves when we THINK, wrongly, we are being attacked or insulted).
Any woman who is incapable of looking squarely at herself is a real danger to both herself and her partners. But true accountability is very different than beating oneself up stupidly, and automatically saying, it’s all my fault, when it ISN’T. Again, it’s a dance of TWO, we’re talking about.
To point to the need for female accountability/responsibility is NOT an excuse for male abuse. It is simply necessary to realize the fact that the typical female pattern of abuse, though some might call it subtle, can contribute tremendously to the likelihood, frequency, and severity of male abuse.
Few abused women want to face the fact of their own accountabilities. And fashionably, women in abusive relationships are generally supported in believing the lie that their own negative participation simply doesn’t (or shouldn’t) count. But it DOES, and I, for one, won’t deny the truth.
If you find yourself in one abusive relationship after another, it is worth suspecting that you are, in some significant way, part of the problem. You may even be unconsciously-but-effectively abusive yourself.
However, that said, NO kind of abuse – physical or emotional – is NOT to be tolerated. Provocation is emotionally abusive, and therefore, it too should not be tolerated. And, any relationships which are, as a stuck pattern, abusive, or mutually abusive, should be put out of their misery.
It is important that the sensitive soul of the genuinely feminine spirit NOT be subject to chronic abuse of any kind. Better still, it is important that every woman be loved, appreciated, and enjoy the genuine devotion of a fully appreciative partner. No intimacy is always rosy, but at the same time, a relationship should not become, primarily, a crown of thorns. Love should be, on the whole, beautiful – not ugly, and not even mediocre. Each partner should strive to make love – well, loving. When it comes to chronically troublesome relations, I think I gave some decent advice in a song (click here to play mp3):
Angels’ Wings for Wasted Women
When you pass a lady by
And you seem to catch her eye
Do you wonder why she’s with a guy
Who never seems to notice
As you watch them walk away
Do you ever want to say
Will you be okay if you go that way
Are you walkin’ the right direction
Chorus:
Angels wings for wasted women
Fly away to men who matter
Let a lover come along and
She’ll discover love ain’t wrong
It’s righter than the rings
Of wasted women
It’s righter than the rings
Of wasted women
When you see a couple fight
Do you wonder is it right
Don’t you wonder why they try
To hold a hell together
Have you heard them say I do
And you wonder if it’s true
If they don’t what will they do
When ties that bind are breakin’
Chorus:
Angels wings for wasted women
Fly away to men who matter
Let a lover fill a lull and
She’ll discover love ain’t dull
It’s brighter than the rings
Of wasted women
It’s brighter than the rings
Of wasted women
You asked:
What advice for men who are angry and hateful of themselves for the monsters they have become?
A sensitive man who had been what you call a monster will feel plenty bad about it. He desperately needs self-control. And if his woman is expert at pushing his buttons, and he can’t take the heat, he had better get out of the kitchen – for everyone’s sake. It is important that the sensitive soul of the male spirit NOT be subject to chronic abuse of any kind – especially the emotional abuse of the kind which many women dish out in quantity.
Also, if a woman is abusive, a man should question himself. He should try to learn how to love her better, and maybe she would be less hurt, less desperate, less disrespectful, and less mean.
With respect to forgiveness, he needs to forgive himself as well as the women he knows, and has known throughout his life. He cannot learn from his mistakes if he keeps himself in the doghouse.
Men who feel a need for some self-esteem might do well to read and see the videos in my blog about the Wounded Warrior. It might provide some useful perspective on male psychology.
At the bottom line, with respect to all genders:
The ego perspective is hell on love. Always. Behavioral solutions may be needed, but in love, one must go much deeper to get results that are genuinely satisfactory and fulfilling. One must go to love. No substitute for that.
Finally, you said:
The hardest thing in such relationships is to know when to walk away, and how to do it.
Of course it has to be considered case by case. When to walk away from a relationship is a profound consideration with many, many factors involved. If I could talk to a person for as little as 10 or 20 hours about this subject in general, we might be able, in that time frame, to begin to understand what kind of factors go into it, and to point out some of the important inter-relationships between those factors that could allow for a fairly well-informed decision in a particular case.
Being as how we don’t have that kind of time, and people don’t have the type of commitment that would be necessary to gain that much understanding of the subject, it won’t be possible to really provide a satisfactory answer to that very important question.
Love,
Amadon
Amadon,
Thank you so much for our beautiful talk from lastnight. Tonight the whole group listened to it, and we had one of our best talking meetings ever because of how deeply and truly everyone resonated with everything you said, the analogies you gave. It was perfect.
You are love Amadon and I love you. You are the heart of love, you are yourself, you are kindred, you are love. I love you.
Thank you, thank you sweet man. You are the heart of everyone, and we know that and feel that in you. I am seen, and we are, and that is a beautiful gift that you give to us and to me.
Thank you for your love, your amazing love, your willingness to love.
I love you, so much.
With all my heart and soul. You are It.
Love with all my heart. Thank you.
Mati
Dear Amadon,
I spent the last 2 days thinking about and meditating on this article and how it applies to my life, and how I relate to people. As I went through the 8 points, and felt them deeply, it was really clear to me where I was messing up. And that was SO helpful – to look honestly at these things, and see what needs to be done, and what needs to be changed in myself, to create truly beautiful relationships.
From now on I’m going to be a whole lot more self-honest and vigilant about what my motivations are (number 3). And I’m going keep my mind a lot cleaner, the way I think about people, the way I respond internally to people (number 6, keeping the pond clean); because I see that in order to make my relationships really beautiful, and nurturing to the people I relate to, I need to think about people in a much more loving way, to remember who they are, and not judge them due to my own reactivity and defensiveness.
The last two points, about creating positive experiences in relationships, and about being the change you want to see in relationships – those were extremely beautiful, and inspiring.
No human heart could ever be satisfied in a relationship where they were not creating MANY MANY beautiful experiences. In our relationship you, Amadon, create far more beautiful experiences than I do. And that has been wonderful, to be the recipient of that, but I see that I need to do much MORE of that myself. And I need to do that in all my other relationships too. Being too passive in relationship does not work at all. We all need to use our beautiful creativity, and the passion of our souls, to create beautiful experiences for our beloveds.
Thank you for this wonderful article. It really is what the humanity needs. I hope that a lot of people read it, and look at themselves honestly, and USE it to improve their relationships, for the sake of their beloveds.
Here’s to creating stronger, deeper, more beautiful love relationships!
Love,
Asha
reading this article made me contemplate on a quote that I gave in an address to a group of foreign Jewish visitors before whom I spoke a few days ago. We were investigating the nature of conflict and the various factors that contribute to it. The quote in question was this: ” if all people were able to reconcile each with loving qualities within themselves peace would take care of itself”.
As human beings we all have addictions. Most of our adictions occur within ourselves at the emotional level. We become adicted to our emotions through the part of the brain known as the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus produces short chain peptides (proteins) which are pumped into the bloodstream to find their way to receptors that are upon the cells of various organs aroung the body. The more adicted we are the more cell's outer wall fills up with receptors for peptides. In time cells cannot function normally because there is less place for receptors for essential substances such as glucose, vitamins, and food proteins. Our adiction consumes us, literally. The collective memory of the proteins that the hypothalamus produces in conjunction with the quantity of available receptors is what makes up that which we call the ego.
I should also say that these same peptides work in a almost identical fashion to various parts of our immune system. Once a stimulation (thought or experience) occurs certain proteins that have remained in existance from previous times atach to each other and triger a responce that causes the producton of peptides from the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus prduces millions of peptides, many of which are essential to our bodily functions. At the same time the hypothalamus is so evolved (although at the same time primitive) that it takes upon itself the role of relating to essential stimuli such as fear, anger, joy etc. If the emotions are balanced or as Confucious said all in appropriate proportion, harmony exists. If the body if cast into a cycle of negative emotion the ensueing reaction is one which triggers mechanisms aimed at combating anxiety and stress (cortisol) which is both addictive and detrimental to our system, besides being all but useless. In this case what the body will do is to give instructions to put more receptors for the proteins that deal with ngative emotions in the misguided hope that more of the same will give better defense. (How often have we heard that in day to day life).
In effect what we are doing is similar to the oyster which on sensing that a grain of sand had entered the shell coats it with layers of a smooth protein. In time these layers get so big that the pearl causes the death of the oyster. A similarity can be seen here.
From an evoluntioary standpoint we are designed to be wary of our surroundings and this is the reason for this system being associative. Similar stimuli could result in identical end results. The problem with our hormonal systems is that they cannot adapt at the same rate that uour brain can and so we do a lot of over compensating which gets us into no end of bother and confusion.
Positive stimuli cause the release of seratonin and dopamine. These hormones give us a sansation of bliss or well being or in certain circumstances give us a feeling of invincability. (this is to protect us from the detrimental effects of adrenalin and to help us to not feel the sensation of pain in times of battle).
With a little thought one can see how all of the topics talked about by Amadon in the above article fall into the mechanism. There is no hocus pocus or things belonging to a realm over or above the functions of the body. If we experience the effects of what we term as an over active ego we can only combat this by reaching a point, or a junction, in which we recognise that our present condition is taking us nowhere that is beneficial to our condition. We do have the ability to interrupt and to correct these processes, at least in the stages which are not what are termed as being of a pathological nature. When we begin to question and challenge ourselves we begin a process of revalation that will have a chain reaction.
The at-effect view is far less than useless. The only view that is really useful is the at-cause view. If you need something to blame your troubles on, the at-effect view may seem desirable, but if your primary concern is to responsibly improve your lot in life, then I would avoid any addiction to any at-the-effect view of life. Concentrate on causes where you can responsibly make a positive difference in your own life by using your own creative powers for change.
The causes that are human-powered are tremendously more powerful than any possible chemical or symptom-based “solution.” Symptoms are endless but the root causes of disease are within us, and we must take responsibility if we would do anything but trade symptoms forever.
Andy and Amadon,
I appreciate the explanation you've given, Andy, of how our thinking changes our body's chemical makeup. Many psychological helpers point to chemical imbalances as the cause of various mental and emotional maladies. As a result the market for mood altering drugs is booming – supposedly because if a chemical imbalance is the “cause,” then a chemical can “fix it.” But they virtually never mention that since thinking can negatively change our chemical makeup, correcting our thinking can positively change it. Only that is a REAL cure, because no chemical means can cure us when the REAL underlying cause (negative thinking/feeling) is still operating.
I think this logic applies even to the case of addiction you've described, Andy. No matter what has happened in the past, our thoughts are POWERFUL forces within our bodies. And we DO choose them. We are not helpless victims of our thoughts. Even if we think something habitually, or are reminded of that train of thought by those in our surroundings, we still have a choice to pursue those thoughts or disbelieve them. We are NEVER without choice.
I have, a few times in my life, been confronted by situations that seemed impossible for me to handle. But at those memorable times, after struggling without success to overcome my challenges, I finally came to the point of considering I would fail … and then, suddenly realized that the consequences of not handling the situation were completely unacceptable to me. In each of those cases, when I came to the point of strongly rejecting that seeming “inevitability,” a nearly miraculous change in my thinking and feeling occurred that opened up a way to go, and I was then easily able to handle the situation. I call this kind of turnaround “spiritual defiance,” and anyone can do it.
Just say NO to the destiny of a person who has been permanently damaged by their past, in any way. That powerful act of defiance, and the changes of thinking and action that we commit to as a result, can heal us. I am sure of it.
Love,
Sara
Yes, I think that you missed my meaning a little. my intention was to point an arrow down the quantum physics road. In other words, all that we are, all this energy that we are using one way or another is basically one and the same as the universal energy. Made up as we are in our “physical” garb is really just another manifestation of the same energy that makes up the spiritual world. Sorry for being a little too subtle there.
What I was trying to get at was that the ego is really only part of a chain of physical reactions within ourselves. We get entangled in that brier patch because, although we would like to think differently, our ability to rationalize our modern lives is a great challenge because our physical functions need more time to evolve than our deductive ones do.
Just as any army that has conquered territory has a hard time giving it up so does our defense mechanisms have a hard time relinquishing their grip. After all they did a pretty good job for several million years. This is not me trying to make excuses and I am the first one to say that one can take oneself out of almost any reality, as long as it isn't pathological, and take oneself to new horizons. I would like to say is that we must recognize that our spiritual reality is intertwined with our physical reality in all ways and we must recognize and accept this fact for what it is. There is no way that we can place ourselves on a separate mount olympus that is separate from out physical manifestation.
All that we are is energy that came from the creator. There is noting in any atom in the universe that can be sepatated and called matter. Matter is only a different manifestation of energy. All the great Avatars and Sufis have know this fact for thousands of years. The fact that we have to make something positive out of this energy goes without saying. This is the only purpose we are here and the only tool to make this happen is a tool called love.
Here's another few points which I think are very important. Through the quantum physics approach we begin to see that what is within ourselves is our personal key to the universe. By understanding the mechanics of what makes us tick we get great insight into our inner core. Similarly to having a doctor tell us how a particular ailment affects us, by gaining this understanding it becomes much easier to combat the problem. Suddenly we have something much more tangiable to work on. Our energy is much more directed. The spiritual realm, to me, is not something to aim for, something that is achieved through effort and/or insight. We are all the spiritual realm, all of the time. The question is whether we know this fact or not. Once we enter this realm it's similar to going down the rabbit hole. How far down it are we prepared to go? In other words how much are we prepared to change because once down, we (and everything we know for that matter) will ever be the same again.
Just a last word on this topic. I thought that Am's article was right on. A wonderful piece of work with some very intrinsic insights and put in a way that is very easy to digest. not pompous at all. That's a good quality for a writer to have.
My comment was intended to offer a different perspective that in my opinion gives a much more rounded education on the topic of spirituality. There is no element that we can channel out energies through other than the mechanism that the creator has given us. The fact that quantum physics has given us the knowledge of how matter is in fact energy manifested this way or that is something that we will simply have to swallow. Like it or not. In actual fact the phsicists discovered nothing, this fact has been known for thousands of years but was kept a secret by the mystics. I wholeheartedly agree with Don that we cannot only work on ourselves on the inner level, that is too intricate for most of us. We have to do it by working from the causes but by knowing how the mechanism works in the universal order of things, I believe that our energy finds its way to the right places a lot easier. It basically becomes like a form of auto suggestion.
I must say that i actually read this blog because i remember the picture very clearly, but when i read it again today… it was like i was reading something new and i actually got a sense of my concentration… it was not there (when i first read it)
Very insightfull very Guru
I think all things are revealed in good time… and this was certainly the case with me and this blog….
Another thing that could be the case is the fact that we have less time, we quickly skime through something; sometimes missing the adjectives and verbs and the nouns etc and its there where the true meanings lay …
Love vehicle refueled…
Powering engines….