Global Emotional Chilling -- and How to Stop It

Around 1980, I started to write a book called “Love’s Revival.” Even in those days, I saw an alarming trend toward social alienation. The signs were already on the wall: relationship viability was declining. Relationship-negative values were on the rise. But back then, not many people were ready to acknowledge the existence of the problem, so the book wasn’t published. 

Since then, the epidemic of alienation has spread far and wide — and deep.

Not everyone is slamming the door on human association altogether. The trend is to substitute relationship quantity for quality. People have gone from ten-year marriages, to the two-year marriages, to relationships on the web. Tiny relationships — lots of them. Sharing electronic greeting cards, instant messages, chat rooms. “It’s all love,” right? No, it’s all luv — luve-lite! All so breezy and easy. We’re eating way too many empty calories of superficial relating, and suffering emotional starvation as a result. And regardless of the hype, people are terribly alienated and lonely. 

You may not notice the true magnitude of the problem until you step back, and look at the broader effects and tremendous human implications of what’s happening. Deep relating is rare indeed. Close intimacies are scarcer each year. And commitment — LOL! We’re committed to ego-I! It’s no longer the “me generation”; it’s the me-first world. And the me-first, love-myself-first, spiritual world, even!

Alienation, driven by fear and distrust, is epidemic. Fear and distrust close the door on relating — or, like a security chain, they let the door open three inches only. And the very same fear and reactivity that prevent us from starting relationships, ruin the ones we have. 

The human heart is indeed an endangered species. Heartbroken, love-starved people are everywhere. This is global emotional chilling. 

I hope that people can see this macro trend, and acknowledge its effects on their own lives and on the lives of almost everyone they know. I hope we can raise consciousness about the problem high enough so that people are finally moved to act. 

It’s a tribute to the success of the ego’s denial strategies that, by the time anybody’s willing to acknowledge any problem, it’s almost already too late. At the rate things are going, we’d better act fast. 

To take action, or not

Of course there are dissenting opinions. We’ve all seen the great drama around facing the global warming crisis, played out between Al Gore and the scientific community on one side, and the strident disbelievers on the other. And we’ve seen how the depth and complexity of the global warming process helps people deny its existence. 

The problem of global warming, with all of its dynamics and wrinkles, is perfectly analogous to this human crisis of global chilling. It’s fortunate that we can draw comparisons between the two crises. We can compare the massiveness, the pervasiveness, the complexity of the problems. And we can compare the vigorous denials. 

I know I won’t convince everyone. But while the debate plays on, the clock is ticking. If we want to have something left to save, we’ll need to decide our course of action before absolute certainty and total consensus can be reached. 

When you have a problem and you don’t know exactly what to do, and you don’t even know for certain whether the threat is real, you just have to weigh your options and their associated risks. You look at the possible downsides of acting, and the possible downsides of not acting. Then you make your decision. 

And, friends, when you look at the risks involved, if there is one scenario with desperately bad consequences, a smart person might take action to avoid it — yes, even if that action itself was not guaranteed to succeed, and even if that action could have negative consequences of its own. 

As you know, in the matter of global warming, the choices are these: If we take corrective action and then it turns out global warming was not a real threat, the downside is, it cost us a bundle, and terribly hurt the economy worldwide — for nothing. But on the other hand, if we don’t act, and it turns out that global warming is a real threat, not only will we suffer economic woes, but many other terrible problems as well: environmental; political; social; medical. That set of choices makes decisive action seem like a no-brainer.

The same logic applies to global chilling. On the one hand, we risk possible negative consequences in trying to succeed, personally, in close relationship. But on the other hand, we face amazingly negative social consequences from not trying, or giving up. 

There can be little doubt that social atrophy, on a large scale, has hugely negative consequences. Think about it: What are the actual implications of a world in which social functioning and intimacy are really dead? If human relationship goes the way of the dinosaur, depression spreads like the plague. Cooperation falls apart. Trust disappears. Life becomes hugely inefficient. How do you even connect truly with God under those circumstances? 

So, to my mind, when you look at all the downsides and upsides of taking action about global chilling or not, you conclude, “Wow, I see. The worst-case scenario is to not act. Absolutely.” 

It’s true that we don’t know exactly what to do. It’s true that we have no guarantees of success. But even so, it’s also true that, if we DON’T act, we may well be doomed. 

The wisdom — and the folly — of dropping out

What we need is practice. Relationship practice. Practice in close relationships. And we don’t just need any old practice — we need good, constructive practice. What use is practice so terribly flawed as to deepen every wound and create further aversion? That kind of practice seems to make relationship-avoidance practically necessary. Rehearsing mistakes makes things worse, not better. Especially when it comes to relationships. We all know that, intuitively. 

People drop out of close relationships primarily because they don’t want to repeat their mistakes, and make matters worse. They don’t want to be subject to the same damaging patterns — or to subject others to them. They’re into the mentality of being careful, having back doors and escape clauses — all in the effort to minimize downsides. 

Trouble is, dropping out and being passive makes things worse, too. It means atrophy, and deeper alienation. Use it or lose it, remember? 

Respect the institution of divorce



Nowadays, people have too little respect for the institution of divorce. Marriage is fleeting, but divorce is forever. And it isn’t just marriage I’m talking about here — it’s intimate relationship. The point is this: it’s easy to get out of relationship and intimacy — the hard part is to get back in. When we’re alone, we lose our social muscles. We lose faith. We lose confidence in ourselves, and we lose trust in others. So before long, subjectively, our chances for a good intimacy seem nearly impossible. That's the problem. It’s tragic that many people may never be genuinely close to another human being again — at least not for long. We need to look at that honestly. 

The fate of relationship is the fate of the human heart. So, in the long run, if we are to save the human heart, it’s crucial that we don’t just avoid the downsides with each other, but also create the upsides. We must actively, intentionally take responsibility to create better relationships, and deeper relationships.  

The bottom line on learning to love

Granted, in many cases, people don’t know what to do to make things better. But, people can learn. And the truth about efficient learning is threefold: 

1. Efficient learning requires mentors. 

2. Efficient learning requires humility. And 

3. Efficient learning takes effort, persistence, and commitment.

I know that list is a tough sell, just as reducing global warming is a tough sell. Particularly unappealing, in this rebellious, prideful, do-it-yourself age, is the idea of using a teacher of love. People ask, “Why can’t we just do it on our own?”

Assuming that’s a serious question, let’s answer it. What about learning to love with people, who, like you, have not yet learned? Can two people who don’t happen to know how to love create a good love relationship? That’s an easy question to answer — it’s impossible. Absolutely impossible. Duh! In a more honest, less rebellious mood, most people will admit that they have messed up relationships terribly in the past, and they are clueless about how to reliably make a relationship work. All they have is a hope and a prayer. 

Let’s be realistic. When you are seeking in the marketplace of conventional society, you really are seeking where there is little to find except failure. “The good ones are already taken,” right? The capable lovers are all off somewhere having a good time loving each other. Everyone else, which is the vast majority of people, has found enough failure trying to make it with people like themselves to see what’s wrong with that picture. They’ve walked away from those relationships again and again shaking their head in sadness and frustration. 

Friends, even if we could figure it out on our own, that might take us a lifetime, at least. We don’t have time for that. We had better face the fact that efficient, effective learning is not something we can get with the new, modern attitude of rugged individualism. (For example: “I don’t know how to do it, but I’m happy to keep blundering through — and maybe, someday, with luck, I’ll invent the wheel of love correctly.”). If we really want to learn about love, better find somebody who can do it, somebody who has a track record of success in it. 

To admit that you don’t know how to love is not saying you’re bad, or even unloving. It’s just admitting you’re not ready to responsibly create a long term, successful intimacy, because:

1. You don’t know how to do it. 

2. You don’t realize that you can do it.

3. You don’t realize how important it is to do it.

So it’s not about blaming yourself or anyone else for these failures. Just understand people’s limitations, and your own, so you can face why things don’t work out. When you see why they don’t work out, you will not only understand why they haven’t worked out in the past, but you will also understand why they won’t work out in the future. 

The pain is enough now! To continue to seek in the same way can only continue to break your beautiful hearts. I for one don’t want your hearts to be broken anymore. 

How I learned to love

I have 100% confidence, born of personal experience, that success in love is possible. And I believe, if anyone is to find release from relationship failure, the chances are they will find it as I found it. So I have taken it upon myself to share the means of my release; and should anyone accept the means, I will share with them the release itself. 

I learned to love from those who had mastered love.  It was through my love relationships with them over time that I found relief from my own chronic fearfulness. They gave that relief to me, bit by bit, in the form of their unswerving love. And their love awakened mine. 

Those people were able to give me liberating love because they themselves had secured their release from fear. And, because I was willing to accept it. 

This liberation takes love in quantity, so I hung around and loved them as I could. I lived with them because they invited me to. And because they understood me. I lived with them because nobody else would — or could — love me well enough to heal me. I entered into relationships with them because I knew healing was in the relationship, and nowhere else. I accepted their love because only true love, and nothing else, heals heartache. 

Make no mistake: I had my fears of closeness going in. So why did I live with them? Because I could see that the obstructions of decades of living could hardly be undone in an hour here, an hour there. And they could not be undone merely by reading books. 

Sure, we all have fears of dependency. I did too. So why did I see fit to depend on them? Because I realized that, number one, I could not depend on myself to teach myself love. By myself I couldn’t and hadn’t been able to fix the problems I faced. I had to face that fact objectively after years of trying. 

And number two, I realized that, although fear of dependency can be wise and appropriate, it can be carried too far, with negative results. Well-placed dependence can be the wisest possible course, when it saves a lot of time and trouble. In my own case, the investment I made in depending on capable sources for my personal growth saved me at least half of my life. Without their help I know I could never have gotten to where I am right now. I probably never would have achieved this happiness and understanding in my lifetime, and I probably would have died of frustration and unhappiness, because I was a certifiable mess when I met them. So I am eternally grateful to my sources for their expert guidance.

Now, I am finally and simply aware of who I am as a person. I am the same type of person as those who served my release. 

The poor stay poor?

There’s no hard sell involved in any of my recommendations. Everyone’s gonna do what they wanna do. 

And, I’m realistic enough to know that in this love-poor world, the poor are likely to stay poor. The poor stay poor when they rule out almost every truly hopeful possibility. I’ve seen that happen, more times than I want to count. And of course, as everyone knows, nothing ventured, nothing gained: if you don’t do anything, if you don’t take some risks, you forfeit the potential upsides of taking action.

Another reason is this: We have to start with something to get something. It takes money to make money. It takes trust to make trust. It takes love to make love. We have to love our way to loving, and trust our way to trusting. Find it in ourselves; then we can multiply it. But in every case, if we can’t find within ourselves some of whatever we’re going for, we probably can’t expand our supply very easily, if at all. There are so many people these days in that same stuck position. 

How to help



No matter what, you still may be able to help others. 

•    If you can see humanity has a problem with global chilling, say so. 

•    Even if, for one reason or another, you can’t take the cure yourself, you can still recommend it to others. 

•    If you’ve been there and done that, you can warn them about a bunch of things not to do. 

All of these things can help the cause of love in this world.