The big question of spiritual life

When it comes to spiritual life, the big question is . . .

“Am I fine and acceptable as I am—or do I need to work to make myself good and loveable, and to make myself worthy in the sight of the Lord?”

And along with that, once one understands that one is good and loveable, as God made all His children to be, here’s the second big question . . .

“If I’m fine and acceptable as I am, then why would I bother to do good works (or make efforts to live a good and righteous life)?”

That makes some sense. And, it’s easy to see that “self-work”—working on oneself, trying to improve oneself—reinforces the basic assumptions that motivate the work in the first place: low self-image, unworthiness, etc. In that respect, self-work would tend to contradict our hard-won understanding that we already are fine and acceptable. “Why am I working to improve myself? Oh, I remember: it’s because I’m so flawed.” So, generally, self-work becomes a treadmill, always leaving us with the nagging sense that we still need to improve.

In that case, isn’t it far better than efforting to simply accept that God made us perfect, and that God always already loves us and accepts us as His beloved, worthy, and perfect children. That reasoning seems to be supported by the Biblical admonition


So again, this raises the question, why should we do good works? Why should we take seriously the instruction to “be perfect even as God is perfect”? Why indeed?

Why do good works?

There are many reasons your heart will readily recognize:

• For the love of God: A lover of God knows how God would like His children to act, as a general way of life. For example, the scriptures of all religions contain descriptions of right living. The Ten Commandments are but one example.

A lover of God also cares how God would like us to treat His children, not just in general, but in each specific situation. So a lover of God joyfully obeys Divine promptings to do good and loving deeds, moment to moment, in real time.

• For the love of humanity: Goodness, and acts of goodness, help and heal our fellows. Goodness makes God happy, makes others happy, and makes oneself happy.

• For goodness’ sake: Children of God love Good as well as God. And, since we are beautiful children of God, our works will naturally be beautiful works—good works. Beauty does as beauty is. Therefore, goodness is natural to us, native to us, more compatible with us than wrongdoing.

• For our own sake: Goodness liberates our minds and our self-images from the shackles of guilt and shame—shackles that bind us in misery, causing us to feel separate and distant from our fellow man, and from God. It is not GOD so much that must be satisfied with us; we have our SELVES to please. Let’s face it: in our hearts, in our own spirit, we object to error and applaud good works. Therefore, if we are to be at peace, and if we are to have self-esteem sufficient to render us RECEPTIVE to love, we MUST work our way out of sin and into righteousness.

Avoiding the pitfall

However, we still have the problem noted earlier: that if we work to improve in a compensatory spirit, clinging to the idea that we are bad, the work will be ineffective. This reflects the true principle “compensation is wedded to its root.” Therefore, our prescription for freedom is this:

1. DO good works.
  
2. DO NOT do them in the spirit of compensation, or to create worthiness in the eyes of God. Instead, do good works for reasons that are wholly positive.

Accept God’s love

Righteous living need not deny God’s present love for us, God’s present acceptance of us. It is absolutely crucial to understand that.

EXAMPLE: It is beautiful if your spouse gets joy out of pleasing you, because they love you and desire your happiness. And you can easily understand why they would do so.

But what would it be like, and feel like, if your spouse were always working, in a spirit of insecurity and fear, to make themselves WORTHY of your love? That would be, in some sense, a rejection or denial of your love. And it would therefore be sad.

Love is a good reason to do please another. Similarly, rightness is a good reason to work. Rightness is a good reason even to work on oneself, you see. But not to work on oneself in order to create oneself, or to make oneself worthy of God’s love.

“Working on oneself” is a very dangerous phrase. It would be better to say “work on one’s habits.” One can ask: “Is this habit helpful to God? Is it helpful to people?” We can work on our ideas and our beliefs. What work we do in the name of improvement, we should do it as one who loves God, who loves people, who is in relationship to God and others. Never do it as someone who is trying to work their way into relationship, acceptance by God, into love, into worthiness for those things.

So much of what this humanity needs, what Heaven has been trying to do all these years in its guidance to humanity, is this:

We should get OFF of believing we need to work in order to create who we are, in order to create the relationship to God—and at the same time we should embrace the need to work for the sake of righteousness and love.

Do you see? The imprisoning tendency is to believe that if we work at all, or if we work in earnest, it must be because we “are bad.” That, friends, is an outrageous lie! Note that bad people, or people who think they are bad and need to improve, are not the only ones who work. Many great people, even saints—indeed, saints most of all—have worked, and worked hard. But they worked out of goodness, and for goodness sake, and for love’s sake—not because they thought they were bad, and were trying to earn God’s acceptance.

The problem is, under the influence of ego, our minds work like certain tape recorders. Every time you push one key down, another key pops up, but the machine doesn’t allow you to push both down together. It has been like that with this: We have either become lazy and careless, because we thought, “We are good, so why make any effort?”—or we have become active and made efforts, only to reinforce the psychology of being a bad person, needing to earn—“to become worthy of”—God’s love. And that, friends, is a most terrible trap, taken as a whole. It is a trap we must escape.

The good and beautiful way to live

Here is the way to escape it . . .

1. KNOW THIS:

We do not need to work to create ourselves, to create our relationship to God—we must leave that mistake behind.

2. AND THIS:

We should not abandon work, not at all, because love and self and our relationship to God ALL motivate us to work quite naturally.

We must curb the bad habit of associating work with penance, with the need to improve oneself, and with the need to earn the love of God, or the love of others. We must be able to do good works and know ourselves to be already good—yes, all at the same time. That is the True Way, friends.

1. Friends!

Poem for friends, illustrated with pictures of some very dear ones. 

2. Sanctuary for Delicate Flowers

In order to have the good and the beautiful, let us create the environment that can make that possible. We can have what is good and beautiful to the extent that we give it an appropriate home, a great home — a home compatible with the nature of what is good and beautiful.

3. Hyper Intellectual Spirituality: Highlands of Unfulfillment

A lot of truth seekers these days have a kind of Attention Deficit Disorder. If they’re reading a book, listening to a lecture, or having a conversation, and they hear an idea they recognize as familiar, they shut down. “Oh yeah. Got that already. ” But real fulfillment is in the currents of life, not in the intellectual categorization/“comprehension” of life. So when we shut down because we already “got” the idea, we starve ourselves for true nutrition. That’s why punditism can never fulfill us. 

4. Beware of Punditism

BEWARE of excessive conceptualization. If understanding is what’s offered — without love — that in itself leaves a hollow leg. The satisfactions of deep understanding, as great as they can be, pale in comparison with the satisfactions of deep loving. So, instead of pursuing all the disintegrated knowing in the Marketplace of Babel, let's walk the love walk. It's in the heart.

5. Please Love Me Deeply, Truly

Why do I ask for deep and true love? Because everyone needs it, and because everyone needs to give it. And I know that my request will bring the issues to the fore. So I ask for it to remind you it is possible to love deeply and truly at will — if, that is, you are wise to ego’s tricks, and willing to do battle with it for the protection of what is good and true in you.

6. Give Up the Smiley-Face Life! You Can Do SO MUCH BETTER!

What is all the faddish ecstasy, and pseudo-enlightened talk? Who is everybody kidding? Better a real tear than a fake smile, don’t you agree? You’d think you died and went to real heaven (you know, the place where the angels sing — and weep). So let’s give up the smiley-face life. We can do so much better with TRUE heart.

7. Radha's Lullabies

Here are three exquisite dances by my friend Radha. The first two are lullabies; the third is an artistic video collage. All guaranteed to melt every heart.

8. Zaadzsters, I Bid You Fear Well

My early Zaadz saga, and why I almost left after less than a month here.

9. Okay, I Should Stay

A blog I wrote in response to community demand that I should stay.

10. Video Clips from a  Few of My Talks

For your enjoyment and spiritual upliftment, here are some short video clips from a few of my talks.

11. In Honor of (disrespected) Men

While feminism has done much good, the gains have been made partly by robbing Peter to pay Pauline: we now exist in a climate of pervasive disrespect for males. Nobody talks about it; in fact, most people are still in denial about it. This blog is to change that.

12. Agape, Personal Love, & World Healing

When it comes to planetary healing, many people say universal love is the most important factor. Granted, we do well to radiate love worldwide. But it’s time to recognize that, while universal love (agape) is helpful, and even essential, it’s not enough. To be healed as an individual, one must be loved as an individual. Personally!

13. Individualism Equals Planetary Destruction

Distrust, unlove, and the resulting inability to join with others in cooperative living are the economic, social, and spiritual downfall of humanity today. Hopefully, you might say, when things get extremely bad, people finally decide to live differently. Perhaps that’s the most hopeful news about global warming. But must we wait until the eleventh hour and then cooperate out of fear and self-interest? Let us see the handwriting on the wall, and turn to each other in love and cooperation because we see the rightness of it.

14. To Fulfill Great Visions

As visionaries, we are responsible not just to acquire great and true visions, but to effectuate, insofar as possible, their realization and their fulfillment. And for that, we will require additional guidance, and more specific understanding.

15. Humanity Salvation and Humanity Ego

Who among us is willing to pay the real cost of a right and beautiful world? The real cost is unselfishness; real caring; true cooperation and self-sacrifice — in short, less ego.

16. This is What I Expect

This is a talk about how faith and expectations can create desirable outcomes. An interesting fact is the talk was recorded in 1983, and most of what I predicted in there has manifested in/as my life.  In that sense, this is a powerful, more-than-theoretical testimony to the power of faith/expectation. (video, 36 min.)

17. Secrets of Divine Humanity

Commonly, we manifest our Divine goodness exclusively (or primarily) in high states, when it's natural to do so, but not in lower states, when it requires real intention. If we want to be able to be good for ourselves and others under all conditions, we have to choose to be good under all conditions. (video, 29 min.)

18. The Lessor of Two Weevils

We are GOD. People give a lot of lip service to that truth, but we weasel out of its realization with two contrary beliefs: One is, "I am not God, but just a lowly creature" The other is, "I am God, but I don’t know it." This weaseling has to stop. We need to Know better! (video, 38 min.)

19. The Spiritual Path of the Divine Feminine

Woman holds within Herself the power and motion of the Universe. It is up to each woman to awaken Her own power within Herself and experience that fullness, so that She can then heal and bless ALL — starting with Herself! — in innumerable ways, as appropriate.

20. God's Birthday Letter to Amadon

God loves YOU individually, personally, intimately — and finds every feature of YOUR unique self endearing. And even worthy of REVERENCE. How do I know? Because the birthday poem God gave me PROVES it.

21. In Defense of Polarity

I said in my profile, the greatest things of humanity can be found in the trash, where they were discarded. Polarity is one of these tossed treasures. Everywhere you look, you see a massive defection from true gender identity in both men and women. Gender polarity is a brilliant and gorgeous Divine creation and desperately needs to be retrieved!

22. Heaven's Missionaries are Here to Ascend You

There are many newly-incarnated enlightened beings on earth now who have come to help. But in trying to rescue us from the pain of egotism, they are at the same time PROMOTING a more “refined” form of egotism — by recommending the search for personal bliss. Love is a much better path.

23. How to Be a Full Blown Person

When you realize how many of your dreams have been fulfilled; when you realize that your heart wishes have been noticed and have been fulfilled in so many ways in this life; then you have the ability, through this noticing, to be satisfied. And, on that basis, live as a giver, not a beggar.

24. Celebrating Death

Death is much-misunderstood subject. Let’s take it seriously, but not too seriously. This bootleg video, captured over lunch at a restaurant, brings a daring, optimistic perspective to death and bereavement.

25. The Yoga of Love

Discipline has a lot to be said for it, but friends, if you want to order your life and focus your mind, love works much better than self-discipline. Love moves mountains; effort moves molehills. Effort overcomes some little challenges; love conquers all.

26. Being In Love, and Ego Reactions

In love, we always experience some soul overlap or blending. The ego fights back against this truly mystical experience by arousing fear: for example, fear of losing one’s center; fear of becoming dependent; fear of being ”polluted with another.” LET’S NOT feel so desperate to regain our so-called power and control. Let’s take control over ego from our higher spiritual position, so we can live deeply in love.

27. Uncreate Yourself

Our social-ego persona, the person we tend to think we are, gets in the way of sharing God’s love. For the sake of love, it’s crucial that each of us, as individuals, let go of persona and all self-beliefs. Then, as they arise again out of habit, let them go again. Then God can love through us.

28. What Is Commitment?

Without commitment, our relationships, our projects, and our aspirations are all subject to whimsy, and are therefore all on the endangered list. So, whatever we care about, we need to commit to. This blog breaks down commitment into its essential parts, and considers each part separately.

29. Teachings of Amadon and Asha

This blog contains samples of my teachings, side by side with the teachings of Asha, my fellow teacher at the Living Love Fellowship. The selections cover a wide range of topics, some or all of which may interest you.

30. Burning God's (Social) Bridges

There is an insidious movement afoot, these days, towards social reduction: human relations and interdependencies of all kinds are disappearing! But the truth is, the loss of social means is spiritual suicide. We need to make those precious functions work correctly, instead of giving up on them. When we get them right, all will be blessed.

31. Save YourSelf—Abandon "yourself"!

Friends, we have created a terrible mess with our self-views. The "someone" we think we are creates infinite problems, and burdens us with endless limitations. Do not struggle with that mess any longer! It’s a mess we need to abandon  — literally abandon it. 

32. Divine Help and Divine Being

I asked Heaven about Divine intervention for change in human affairs. Channeled through one of the women in my community, I was answered by the Elohim, the wise and compassionate group of God-Beings that created the Universe, speaking in a united voice . The transcript of our conversation is presented here.

33. My Truth, Your Truth, Hitler's Truth, The Truth

A popular view is that each person has their own “truth,” and no one has the right to judge another person’s “truth.” In other words, there’s no such thing as an absolute, universal truth — nor is there an order of rightness in truths. This blog examines the errors and dangers of these widespread beliefs.

34. What Love Is!

What is love, really? Not in abstract terms, but what does it mean to truly love, to actually be a lover of human beings, to make a real difference to others? This blog contains two video clips from a talk, given April 25, 1997, that gives an answer to that question.

35. Mother Love, Father Love

Mother Love and Father Love work together in child rearing AND spiritual growth. When Mother says you are good, she’s saying you are essentially good and beautiful as you are. When Father says you are good, he means your adaptation to life is worthy of who you are. Currently, our culture is deficient in both Mother Love and Father Love, and they are out of balance. Hopefully, this blog will help correct that.

36. Heaven Loves and Serves You

We are not alone here on earth. Heaven loves us and takes care of us.

37. Almighty God, We Love You Back

Love and praise to Almighty God in poetry and songs.

38. Are the Zaadzsters Better than Jesus?

From the way Zaadzsters talk about unity, non-judgmentalness, and tolerance of all paths, you’d think they were holier than Jesus. This blog conducts a tongue-in-cheek competition between the Zaadzsters and Jesus to make a point about the dangers of applying spiritual ideas too narrowly — and self-righteously.

39. My Christmas Wishes for Humanity

Yes, friends, it’s that joyous time of year again — or so they say. But it’s also the season when Americans suffer the highest incidence of depression and suicide. This blog is dedicated to creating Holiday Seasons and New Years that are more joyous than ever!

40. Must We All Obey the Unwritten Rules for Luv-Lite?

A world culture of alienation has developed over the past few decades, and it now holds humanity in its grip. This article is a wake-up call about that, and the huge problem it represents. I don’t dare hope that we can change this trend in the world at large. But I hope you will rebel against it, and change it in yourself.

41. Save the Human Heart from Extinction

People like me, who live in community and who believe in human relationships, are dinosaurs, and we are as unpopular in today’s culture as Al Gore is with the Bush administration. And I am looking like a doomsayer to so many people because I say, “We are an endangered species as human hearts. And something BIG needs to be done to restore the habitat that is natural to our hearts and souls.” That big something is love, and forgiveness, and the positive experience of sustainable love. This is what we need. If anyone out there cares about the human heart, please give your friends a link to this video, and start this discussion rolling worldwide, so that people can realize how serious this problem is, and help do something about it.

42. Face the Ocean

Why is it so crucial to preserve the possibility of deep relationship, and save the human heart from extinction? Consider this four-minute clip from a conversation back in 1983, in which I described the experience of relationship as a profound and transformative confrontation with the Divine in human form.

43. The Worldwide Crisis of Global Chilling — and How to Stop It

The human heart is indeed an endangered species. Deep relating is rare indeed. Close intimacies are scarcer each year. And commitment — LOL! You may not notice the true magnitude of the problem until you step back, and look at the broader effects and tremendous human implications of what’s happening. I hope we can raise consciousness about the problem high enough so that people are finally moved to act.

44. How to Create Deeper Love

We all “know” that love can heal humanity and save the world. And many of us aspire to unconditional love, universal love. But honestly, how many people deserve to be called truly skilled in the art of loving? You could be one of the few! Where there’s a will, there’s a way. If you have the will, this blog contains eight proven suggestions for a well-rounded program of healthy relationship exercise. Use them to become truly fit for love.

45. How the Power of Belief REALLY Works

This article is for everyone who wants to control the quality of their lives. It’s actually possible to do that — by controlling the quality of our beliefs.  Those who understand the real power of belief and how to use it can harness that tremendous creative potential for the benefit of all. This article fills in the gaps in our understanding left by many popular teachings such as the Law of Attraction, etc.

46. Take Heaven's Hands

Few people know the reality of relationship to agents of heaven. We look at heavenly beings narrowly, as sources of information, or even of healing. But I’ll tell you truly: though the agents of heaven love to guide and heal, they love to love most of all. And they would much prefer to be real friends to people on earth. Yes! Friends to people like you and me. Believe me when I say, people can establish actual relationships with that which is beyond this world. Read what I have written here, and look at the evidence I’ve collected for this blog. It should be obvious, if you see and feel the videos presented here, that I, for one, have done exactly that. You can, too.

47. Freedom from Blame and Shame

When we know blame and shame are truly negative and destructive, why do we still indulge? Well, the embarrassing truth is, we actually think blame or shame offers us advantages we want. Before we will really give up shame and blame, we need a larger perspective, a deeper understanding of how our lives really work, and what blame and shame really do. To face that requires courage and strength of character. But here’s the thing: not facing it means pain all around. So if we’re serious about our smile, we’re truly much better off facing the real effects of blame and shame. It opens the door to liberation.

48. Heart of Heaven Dances

Two dances from the Heart of Heaven for You. (video)

49. Relating to Higher Consciousness

The fastest growth possible comes from relating to mentors and people of higher consciousness. Asha speaks about that in this talk.  (video)

50. Get Personal with God

God is personal, as well as impersonal, or transpersonal. And God will be personal with you, if you are personal with God.  You'll find that relating personally to God is indescribably sweet, touching, beautiful, endearing. Try it!

51. Nobody Knows theTruffles I've Seen

An old spiritual song goes, “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, nobody knows but Jesus.” Well folks, that’s changed. These days, with communication being what it is, almost everybody knows the troubles that many people have seen — to the point of sinking the entire world in massive torment, pain, fear, upset, and depression. Now it’s time to change that, by sharing our “truffles” — the beauty that we’ve all seen and experienced — until it’s no longer true that “nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen.”

52. Skit Night at LLF

These photos catch the spirit of some recent skits we did here at the LLF.

53. Human Remains

What is a human being? A masterpiece of God, composed of various gorgeous Divine attributes. Unfortunately, most people hide their true beauty — and create a false persona in its place. The result? Precious little remains of the real human being. This video talk explains exactly how the true self gets lost, and how to retrieve it.

54. And the True Way IS ... Faith AND Good Works

Children of God are good and perfect as God created us; we don’t need to earn God’s love. If so, why bother to lead a good and righteous life? There’s nothing to prove, and nothing to gain.

Heaven wants us to know, there is a better reason to do good works than to “become a good person." This is it:


To manifest true goodness is the natural expression of every child of God. It comes from the spirit of love and obedience that is, itself, natural to every child of God. So, knowing we're good isn't the end of good works, but really, the beginning. When we believe we're already good and worthy of God's love, we want to do the good works that come naturally to one who really knows who they are.

What is a human being? A masterpiece of God, composed of various gorgeous Divine attributes. Unfortunately, most people HIDE their true beauty — and create a false persona in its place. The result? Precious little REMAINS of the real human being. This video talk explains exactly how the true self gets lost, and how to retrieve it.

Amadon: This is going to be a pretty hard-bitten little thing. It’s called “Human Remains.” And it’s what’s left of people after they get done with themselves, and what to do about that.

Your true colors

So, it starts out with the concept, well, what is human being? Or should I say, what was a human being as God created a human being to be, before man got a hold of it and had a different idea? I think that a man is what people say a man is, which is a unique masterpiece of God. I agree with that concept. And “God doesn’t make junk,” they said. And furthermore, God makes awesome beauty. When you look into the windows of the soul and you see that thing and you go, “Oh my God” — that’s right. There’s something about that. That’s why people get married; they see that. That’s what they remember forever about you, when they had that moment, when that thing happened and they got to see the real deal. And it’s like, God not only doesn’t make junk, but God makes stuff that would bring you to your knees, if you had a chance to see it. It would take your breath away, and it does. And you go, “Awesome.”

You know, somebody says, “You’re not going to believe this.” You go, “What?” They go, “I actually saw the real so-and-so.” You go, “You’re shitting me, right? This is a joke right?” And they go, “No. This is for real. I saw the real so-and-so.” “What was it like?” “Awesome! It was awesome! That’s the one I knew, that’s the one I love, that’s the one I knew was in there somewhere. Hasn’t been out for a while. I saw it.” “Whoa. Did you take a picture?” “No, I forgot to take a picture. It happened so fast.” Right?

So, how do we know that people are so damned awesome? How do we know that God makes awesome, and not junk, but awesome? Testimony, witnesses, right? Like Cindy Lauper:


Right? You’ve heard that one? 

Group: Yeah. Gorgeous.

Amadon: True colors, right?

Or you’re in a social occasion, maybe a party, and this person’s dancing or doing something, and you’re nodding your head and watching them, and you don’t even realize that you’re totally transfixed, but you’re watching this person. And you’re going uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, and stuff like that. And then at one point you realize: they’re being themselves. You never saw that before. And it’s like, “Oh my God, here I am. They’re being themselves. What a trip!” Maybe they’re doing the chicken-walk. You don’t know what it is, but somehow a million ton of lead got off and they’re doing something that is beautiful, and is not characteristic, and it’s out of their particular box that they usually like to stay inside of. And you are spellbound.

Again, people are awesome. God made them awesome. And I know why. Because in the beginning there was God, and what could God make people out of? Well, what else was there? Think. You see? That was it. That was the only raw material that could be assembled into a person. What was He going to do, borrow from the neighbor? There wasn’t no neighbor. He had to use the resources, and He/She was it. That was the resource. “Here, have My heart.” You see what I mean? “Have a piece of Me. You want a piece of Me? Here. There, you are a piece of Me.” Okay? You have Divine inheritance, Divine genes. Had to, child of God. That’s what that is. So no wonder people are awesome. God’s awesome, and they’re God’s kid. Chip off that old block. 

Every person has to be some kind of unique configuration of God. Mix up the colors a little different, splatter it out. It’s got to be something that was there. And so, God’s children. Not bad.

Masters of camouflage

But then, when you talk about that awesomeness, and you talk about that party at which you saw the person, then you realize how drab people can be sometimes, even yourself, compared to yourself, and you know it. Then you realize this is not usually what we see, for sure. We don’t really see the beauty. It doesn’t mean the person isn’t beautiful, but you might have to dig for it. You don’t see it everyday. It’s not that they’re not beautiful, but they’re hiding it. They’re willing to hide it. They’re afraid to let it show, true colors, a lot of times. So we end up with cardboard people. Nothing much. A lot of hiding and not much that’s worth showing, on the surface. Social personas, right?

Well, if there is a God in there, they must be doing a pretty good job of hiding it. If there is beauty, they must be doing a pretty good job of hiding it, in some cases, you could ask. And the answer is yes. They might be doing a really very good job. It doesn’t mean it’s not there. It just means that a good job is being done on camo. That’s it. That’s expertise, that’s talent. That’s hiding talent. Cause people aren’t anywhere near being themselves, for the most part. If they are a full deck, they’re playing with five, ten cards, maybe. The rest of it, hidden. That’s a very narrow reduction, a very narrow band. And this is what I mean when I say “human remains.” What remains of the man I married, the woman I married? That’s what I live with, the remains. What remains of the humanity that God created? The remains?

“Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today, the bereaved of our recently departed, to honor the remains of humanity, as God created them. To live with the remains, to be a friend of the remains, to talk to the remains, to try to heal the remains of what God created them to be.” 

And it’s an emotional realization when you realize the incredible greatness of what you’re trying to heal, love, or be with, and how it’s not showing, and how it’s there, and how it just needs to come out. And how you want to love it out, call it out, shout it out (for the laundry people); shout it out. Whatever you do, it’s because of the intention of you know better than the “fact” that the remains is really dead, that the corpse is actually a corpse. And you don’t necessarily want to settle for the usual conversation. Like, “How ya doing? Staying out of trouble?” And the guy goes, “Sure enough. Yep.” And you go, “Well that’s a goddamned encyclopedia about your life.” “Well, you asked the question.”

And they go, “Well, how’s it hanging?” And they go, “Downward. Huh.” Are we getting deep and meaningful yet? Do we understand each other deeply yet? Is this it, folks? Is this all that we can really communicate? You know. “How you doing?” “Staying out of trouble. Huh.” You get it? Stick figures! Nothing! It’s nothing! What does this mean? “Staying out of trouble.” “How’s it hanging?” “Downward.” Oh God! This is not an adequate description of the masterpiece of God’s creation, “How you doing?” It’s not. Don’t you think, or don’t you?

The way we relate is so incredibly obtuse. It’s a wall. It’s a wall that hides almost all. We live with the remains. What we’re willing to show is the remains. What we’ve hidden is, for the most part, the best part. And we’re hiding that. Hiding your light under a bushel basket maybe? The beauty that is you. You see?

They say “the straight and narrow,” but this is the straitjacket and the narrow. A person lives in a straitjacket because they’ve decided to live in it, and it’s like a narrow, narrow, narrow path. What they can say; what they can’t say. What they can be, what they can’t be, because a person plays it safe. A person guards their more precious jewels. You’re a teenager. You put it all out on the table. You got your heart broke. You decided not to do that again. You pulled in your horns a little bit. You didn’t show up, not as much, next time around. You made that resolve for yourself. You followed through. Next thing you know you’re not too much of a person. You’re less. You know the wholeness of being a teenager in love for the first time? The wholeness of it, the kamikaze, you see what I mean? Everything there. This was big stuff. This was big. And people decided to what? Squash it, smallen it, reduce it.

In the aftermath of deciding who to be

And this happened when you were sixteen. Right at the time when you were busy trying to figure out what to be. And you were looking around for role models and inspirations. You know: Boy George, of course, is out there. Twelve Inch Nails. Heavy D. You know, lots of stellar examples of possible ways of being. Richard Nixon and other inspirational figures. It’s like “Ahhh, what should I be?” That’s what a teenager wants to know!

I say, well hey, fuck that. What did God make you to be? But no, you’re a teenager, you’ve got to decide what to be. So you’re looking at your different role models, you’re thinking about how to walk, how to talk. You know, you make it up yourself. You’re supposed to “invent yourself.” We’ve been through this stuff. And you’re busy inventing yourself. But you haven’t got it invented yet, and that’s why sixteen year-old love was real. Because you didn’t have, at that time, a well spackled-up, well-epoxied persona to present for the wall that’s gonna be your relationship face. You didn’t have that yet; you’re working on that. It’s a work-in-progress what type of asshole you’re going to come out to be by your own election. Depending on which assholes you follow and decide are cool. What the haircut, what the walk, what the talk. You know. What the behavior pattern. Which gang you’re in. You know what I mean? You’re working on it. It’s too soon to be a total jerk, a total facade. If the person had caught you in two years, why maybe you would’ve been able to show them a real jerk. But it wasn’t time. It was still in the oven. The fake persona that you’re working on, still in the oven. Not well formed. Nothing you could present. 

They say about martial arts, that when you’re jumped in the alley, if you haven’t got your martial art trip completely under your belt yet by the time they jump you — because you’re only a green belt or a mauve belt or a gray belt, you know, or just a belt belt — if you don’t have it together enough, you’ll fight in your old way. You’ll bite and shit, because you don’t have quite the thing yet. You have to internalize the drill before you can use the drill. Right?
And here we are, we’re teenagers, we’re trying to figure out how to be. But we’ve fallen in love, and we’re being genuine because we haven’t perfected the fake. We haven’t perfected it. We’re working on it, we’re not there. “Come back in two years and I’ll show you the kind of person I’m working on being.” Oh give me a break! You’re so much better now. Now you’ve got a heart and everything else. Now you’re totally in love. You’re writing names in the book by the thousands. My name. You’re doing shit that’s completely whack. You are in love. This is awesome stuff. This is not to be sneezed at. You know? Am I wrong? 

Group: No. You are right.

Amadon: I think this was closer to the truth! Closer to the heart in them days of your own becomingness. And it could be like that again, you see. Take it all off, whatever you got put on. That’s the message, but we’ll get to the message.

But pretty soon, you know, eighteen, twenty-one rolls around, and you’re being a pretty good self-made jerk, because you’ve got it baked. You put it out on the table. The people have to eat this shit, the persona you got together finally. And you’re going to strut this stuff and you’re going to do this thing, and it’s going to offend most of the people. You know, certainly going to break your own heart. Because when you think about it at the end of the day, “Oh man, I was mean.” You know what I mean? Least minimum is you break your own heart in the process of breaking everybody else’s heart. Least minimum is some voice is in you saying, “You know, this is not the way, Ace.” But there you are, you’re doing it because, after all, you take pride in it. It took a lot of work. This is your fucking Mona Lisa, this shit jerk you’ve become. In the process of doing what you thought was the right thing, the cool thing, the good thing, at that time!

You’re innocent. Hey! All is forgiveness. There’s forgiveness in this couch. See what I mean?

If you want forgiveness, best bet is go to an enlightened person, God, or a couch. That’s why they’ve got pet rocks for this. That’s why people say, “The more I know my husband, the more I like my dog.” Right? I know. Ooooh! It’s awful. But I mean, as we go down in lower consciousness forms, we seem to get more forgiveness or tolerance. “My dog never tells me to shut up!” Yeah, so marry your dog, biotch! And if that isn’t it, get a pet rock. If your dog starts acting up on you, put it to sleep! Get a pet rock. A pet rock is eternal, dogs are transitory. Ya know. And they can cop an attitude once in awhile. Have you ever tried to take a bone away from a dog when a dog is really in love with that bone? 

Group: Yep.

Amadon: Hooo! You see another side of that dog! The kind you saw in your husband. It’s like, “Noooooo!” Then you go, “I’m trading up, I’m going to get a pet rock.”

Fran: Trading down, trading down.

Amadon: That was a stupid digression, wasn’t it? I really think it was, and I have no idea where I am.

Mati: It was about forgiveness.

Amadon: Oh yeah. Thank you, I appreciate it, I needed that.

No one likes “me” — not even me

So you’re busy inventing yourself. You’re fabricating something. You get it done. You’re a jerk. People don’t like it! And they respond to you negatively, because you actually are being a jerk, because this is what you tried to be. “I should be more mean,” so you be more mean. And then you’re mean, you know?! And then people think you’re mean. You go, “Well why?” What do you mean why, Jack? You worked on this shit! Okay? This was your intention. You’re the liberated woman. You’re going to go down and give the car mechanic a real hard time, because you know that you can’t be taken advantage of, and so you be real mean and you come home gloating about how mean you were and how you stood your ground and how you be’d yourself and all this other whatever they told you to be. Right?

But you realize, “Man, I was really a jerk. And people aren’t liking me. I used to get three dates a week, now I’m down to one a year. People don’t have taste for the quality shit.” That’s your conclusion in your own brain, but no, no, no, that’s not the real thing. That’s delusional. You know what I mean?

And here we are today. People love us, you know? I mean, they do. But with a passion? NOT! Not always. Not necessarily. Rarely. And you’re on, “Hey! They can’t stand the quality shit. I’m an honest human being. I call a spade a spade. You know what I mean? It’s gotten me in trouble with the NAACP and every other shit.” But, ya know, it’s not that attractive. And so people stop liking you once you get your persona together.

And then you begin to think, “Well, what’s wrong with the people?” When you should’ve thought, “Hey, you know, I might be being a jerk. That might be the achievement I’ve created here by creating a persona in the place of what God created — the feeling, sensitive, vulnerable human being that I was when I was sixteen years old. Before I decided better, before I ‘knew better,’ before I decided to create and follow a new beat, new drummer. Before I created the persona for that. Before I trotted that out and started to use that in public. And now, people dislike me.” And you get the distinct but understandable wrong impression that the person they hate is the real you. It ain’t. They hate the thing you dummied up to take the place of what God made. And so do you. And that’s what I mean.

When you get home from browbeating the car dealer, when you get home from setting your limits, when you get home from using your assertion skills and whatever they taught you in the encounter group — and if it was evil, and if it was wrong, and if it was fucked-up, and if you get home and you can’t sleep, and you feel slightly edgy about it — that’s when you realize that the thing that you created is really an abomination. And it’s not you! The fact that you’re not comfortable being the thing you decided to be proves it’s not you. It actually proves that. Do you get that? Otherwise, you’d be a pig in slop. You’d be a goldfish in water. You’d go, “Yeah, this is it.” It’s not it! Because you don’t feel good with it. It grates against your soul. Your soul is the one that knows that truth. It tells you, “Hey, no that wasn’t it. It was what you thought you were supposed to be. It was what you decided to be. But no, it wasn’t what you are, and it wasn’t what you should be.” 

That’s your moment when you start to turn back around. You’re starting to turn back into your true Selfhood after this little temporary vacation or outage that you call “creating yourself.” Inventing yourself. “I’m inventing myself.” Oh gawd! “I’ve created myself.” Hey, God already created your butt. All right, we won’t hold that against you. All I’m saying is, God created your soul, and it is beautiful like a rainbow. It is not this narrow, weird fucked-up human invention. It is this other thing. Right?

Getting too precious about beauty

Okay, can we talk about beauty now? Now that we’ve talked about the fucked-up shit, can we talk about how preciousness is there with beauty? When you see some beauty in yourself, like you’re sixteen, and you’re giving it all, and you know that it’s beautiful in your heart, but you feel vulnerable and raw and unprotected?

There’s a song that says “you only hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn’t hurt at all.” But there’s another song they should’ve written, which is, “you only hurt the Self that you love. The Self you shouldn’t despise”... because it’s beautiful. Right? You love these things, and you hurt them in your effort to protect them. Don’t choke the canary! So when people say, “I don’t know why it is, doctor, but I always screw up the really good possibilities in my life.” And in the same way, “I don’t know why it is, doctor, but I always screw up the beauty that is me. Because I love it so, I just can’t help but grabbing onto it too tight, being tight with it, not wanting to give it, not wanting to share it, show it, be it. Because it’s too good. Too good.”

I know! But it reminds me of the guy who has this ‘69 Camaro, and it’s blown, and it’s perfect, and it’s a total restore. The thing is cherry. Perfect! That vehicle, he put his heart and soul into that vehicle. Now, you know where he parks it?

Mati: In the garage.

Amadon: In the garage. And you know what? He never drives it. And you know what? If he ever drives it, he parks it on the opposite side of the parking lot from where any cars are at. This car is unusable for all practical purposes.

This is like a woman. I’ve seen so many women that are that good, that they won’t even take it out for a spin. They got so much heart, so much beauty, so much joy. They won’t even hop, skip, and jump. They got so much love, they won’t even give it. This is precious gone bad, like it was with the Camaro. You see, the guy loved it so much, he ended up loving himself out of a car, because he just had to keep it in the garage, temperature control, with a tarp. He loved that thing so much it became unusable, dysfunctional.

In the same way, you got a heart. You got a love. You got a being that God made. And when you see it, you’re just as awestruck as anything else. And then the ego says, “You know, what you are is good shit, you know what I mean? You ever thought about carrying a sidearm?”  (a small self-protection weapon such as a twenty-two pistol.)

All right, let me give you a better example. You have jewelry, diamonds. You have one beautiful diamond necklace. And somebody says to you, “Have you got insurance for that?” And then somebody says, “When you wear that, do you realize that you’re a target?” And then they say, “When you wear it, don’t you think you should carry a self-protection weapon of some kind? Be it pepper spray, be it mace, be it a sidearm, or a small twenty-two pistol, a handgun? Because you’re a target, you know.”

And you gave your heart when you were sixteen. And when you were sixteen, you realized the beauty of what that is. And then the ego comes in and says, “Do you have any insurance? Do you realize that you probably should hide this stuff? And if you don’t hide it, don’t you realize you need to stand up for it, and protect it?” And this idea that comes into one’s mind about beauty is preciousness. Preciousness turned into paranoia, turned into hiding, turned into defensiveness.

How many women have you guys known — and I use the “W” word advisedly, because I don’t want to get cards and letters from N.O.W., National Organization for Women — but, how many women have you actually known who thought they were so much the cat’s ass that they got the idea that if they went out to dinner with a guy, he ought to pay for it?

I’m going, “Hey biotch! I went out to dinner with you. Did you think about that for a second? Isn’t that worth $5.95? You’re not the only one that went out to dinner with somebody. We went out to dinner with each other, you know what I mean? Cash for cash, now, you’re not so much better than I am that I owe you the value of a dinner for the improvement of your being over my being. Or if I fuck you, and I’m supposed to owe you a hundred and fifty dollars, cause you think you’re the kind shit. And I say, you got fucked by me! You know what I’m saying? That’s worth at least a hundred and sixty dollars in my book. All right, so you owe me a tenner. Pay up, biotch, and we’re square.” I don’t know. Am I wrong?

Group: No.

Amadon: Anyway, okay, so it’s off color, but it’s effective.

When people get too precious about something they start to value it in a way which is egotistical, and prideful, and problematical. They start to protect it and defend it. They won’t give it any more. Just like the guy who won’t let you borrow his Camaro because it’s too cherry. Otherwise a friend would give you his car. That’s not a big deal. But he’s in love with this car so much, you see. And this woman is in love with herself so much, and she thinks that she’s so much the hot ticket, so cool, that it’s time to stop giving herself. It’s time to stop giving her heart. That’s too precious. “I got to park that at the other side of the parking lot. I got to keep that in the garage. I got to never drive it. I got to never let anybody else drive it. Cause it’s too good to use.”

That’s the beginning of the death of what God made in this woman. When she is beautiful, but beautiful is no reason not to give, or be. So this quality that is beauty becomes egoized. The guy starts to snap at people, “Don’t get near the car. Don’t touch it.” You see what I mean? And the woman’s on, “Don’t touch me.” Now, I’m not saying she should be a ho. All I’m saying is, there’s a way in which it’s necessary for her to give herself, and not stop giving herself because she thinks she’s God’s gift. If she’s God’s gift, fuckin’ give it! It is God’s gift, now, really.

Give God’s gifts

God has gifts. And guess what, folks? We’re it. Give it. Live it. That’s very important — important to God. Otherwise you’re the Mona Lisa that’s hidden in the basement like the Camaro. And God doesn’t have the enjoyment of seeing His gift given, and seeing the smiles on the faces of the people that got to be with it, see it. Doesn’t get that any more. He made beauty, and then the beauty got hidden away, the beauty that is you. This is why this self-actualization, liberation, enlightenment shit is really so important, because it’s God’s gifts that are on the line, in terms of whether it’s going to be given or not. 

You can be all happy with the fact that you’re protecting yourself. You can be happy with the fact you’re suppressing yourself. You can be with the fact that you’re playing it safe. But can you be happy with the fact that God made a beautiful you to be shared, and you forgot to give it? When it’s what you got? So people get precious, and then they hide the Camaro. They get precious, and they act defensive, and then they alienate people. Use it or lose it. That goes with this.

What happened to John Wayne, for example. And I’m a John Wayne lover. I mean, I’m first to admit it. But John Wayne doesn’t say three words in a row! He’s a man of few words. “Hey, pilgrim. Huh.” And I’m saying, “That’s great, John, but what happened to your reality? You’re a man of few words. That’s good. But the whole thing is, it’s not enough words, John. We need more words. More. Come on, more words. Feeling words, John. Tell us something. Don’t hide.”

These cowardly men of few words, they go to the encounter group, and they won’t speak. You know, “Staying out of trouble?” “Yep.” That’s wonderful. I appreciate your sharing. All I’m saying is, I hate the way you share, because you don’t share when you share. And that’s a problem between us. I’ll kill you, is the problem. It’s wrong to kill you, but I feel inspired by the fact that you won’t share your heart. You might as well take this guy out behind the barn and shoot him, because he’s using up space on a very important and overpopulated planet. When he should be sharing the beauty that he is, he’s withholding it from everybody. He came here with a mission. He was going to love the humanity. He was going to make a positive difference in the lives of others, and now he’s totally clammed up. He’s like the biotch on vacation that made up her mind not to give herself no more. Right? What kind of a trick is that?

So then you get atrophy. So then you withheld. And John Wayne doesn’t know how to speak. He’s going to an encounter group to learn to speak for speaking-impaired individuals. And they’re saying, “What’s your name, John?” “J.” “We’ll work with ya. It’s a very good start.” But he’s atrophied. He needs the big “O H N.”

Carolyn: What’s that?

Dinari: The rest of his name.

Amadon: John. He needs to be able to fill in some of the blanks for it. He needs to get verbose. You know. Oh well.

Abuse it and lose it

Okay, so, have you ever valued something so much you hid it to the place where you can’t find it? You hid it so good. You must have really loved it. Now you’ll never fuckin’ find it. And that’s what happened to good old John, John Wayne. He had a feeling heart, but he hid it so good, now he’s in the encounter group for the feeling-impaired. And he’s going to work through it. It’s going to take seventeen years of therapy, buy the guy a whole Mercedes Benz just to be able to say J-O-H-N. John. It’s hard for him. He’s worked himself down into a straitjacket with this. Use it or lose it! Right?

And this is what happens to the women. They forget to love, and the next thing you know, when it comes to love, they have no idea what that is. “I gave at the office when I was sixteen. I ain’t doing that no more. Now I’m forty-eight, I have no idea what that would be. I’d have to go to encounter group, or therapy, or something, to even remember what that’s supposed to be about.”

But what happened? The beautiful quality came out. Person got precious about it. They started to be defensive about it. They egoized it. It started to print pain. It started to create pain in relationship, all this defensiveness. So the person, then, realized it was printing out pain, and what do you do? You shut it down. You quit. Like a guy who’s obnoxious for twenty years, and then he decides to shut up. Seen these guys in the rest home. I tell you about these guys. They were real opinionated for their whole life, and then they finally had to live with their relatives, and now they won’t say anything out of their wheelchair, because they realize they’re only alienating people, and it’s not doing any good. So they shut up. And that’s it.

That’s what happens. If you abuse it, you lose it. If you screw it up, you eventually get smart enough to pull the plug on it. And so, that’s what happened to God’s people. They had all these beautiful qualities, and one by one, they abused them, or misused them. And then they decided to put the kibosh on it. They decided to pull the plug on it. And they’re down to, “Well how’s it hangin’?” “Down.” You see? Shit like this. There’s not much left of the remains.

Dearly beloved, the departed decided they wanted to be less. And they were less, and now they are less. The beloved has gone down to a nubbin. They’re a shadow of their former self. They’ve narrowed down. They’re in retreat. They’re hiding. And so now you’re trying to live with the remains, and they’re trying to live with the remains. “How do I live when I’m not being a quarter of what I was when I was young? How do I live when I’m not being myself? How do I live when everything has a cork in it? When I’m real suppressed, and very careful? How do I live that way?” And the answer is you don’t. You’re dead, for all intents and purposes. You’re I. V. - ing along.

The typical man, for example, is not manly. He’s terrified. The typical woman is not a woman. She’s not feminine, for example. She’s terrified to be a woman. She’s got it so safe, so ego-proof. He’s got it so dummied-up, you see. They’re subtracting the real, and they’re adding on the unreal to replace it, and that’s what the facade is. And this is the remains. It’s the facade. You’re dealing with, you’re living with, the facade of most people. It’s not them. It’s not them at all. You know it. They ought to know it. Right?

So they reduce and take away all the things that are vulnerable, feeling, beautiful, and they add on all the things that look professional, cool, and groovy. And that’s the result we call a person. It’s not a person at all. It’s a great subtraction, and a stupid addition, a replacement for Self. We call it persona, social facade. It’s not you.

Be what God made

Be you is the ticket. Be what God made you to be. Be free in that sense. And those are your true colors. And they’re beautiful, you see, like a rainbow.

All right? That’s it.